I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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