Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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