You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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