you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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