I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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