I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
