Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
