He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
