The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
