i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
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