I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
