Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
