I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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