Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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