i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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