I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Sext me about skeletons
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize