Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
