call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
