Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize