he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
