We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
