I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
