i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
