My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
