I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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