Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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