That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize