The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
