I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
