I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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