conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
