good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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