it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
