i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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