I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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