why didn't you poke me back
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
