You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize