Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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