we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
