Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize