I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
