i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
