I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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