grandma shit on top of the toilet
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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