I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
