If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The uberlube is also flammable
Terrible idea I love it
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
