I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
