he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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