She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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