I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
3pm strippers are depressing
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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