I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
