he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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