ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
