i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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