you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize