Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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