Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he was CRYING into my vagina
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
