Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
