Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
