The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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